Tomorrow Tonight

"I'm not so much for a petty, dangling, and long talk. But tonight that becoming our tomorrow, I tried my very best to uphold, stay on the edge of my used-to-be-self, and toss and turn to keep awake as I cloak up this feeling so you don't see me weakly withering on the inside. I am sure, I'm not the best at most things in life but I'm trying to keep up the cloak that I'm doing just fine. As you know now, I am such an outliner. Did I just overshare? I think I overshare about something I am not well-known. Why do I feel these? Candy-assed. Blue. Afraid. I guess I became more afraid now to be left behind, by you. More afraid that I shared my weight-in-gold thoughts 'cause you meant everything to me. Afraid of the cut you'll inevitably leave once you walk away time and again.

Now, I'm experiencing another loss. And within the breaks of overthinking, I found myself aching to make you more of a permanent part of me."

—Jhunamae Moja (Smnllyl, Tomorrow Tonight)

Journal Date: 10.20.23

Until when?

"Here I am to tell you, until when will I write? 

Here I am as the same person you asked and never answered, "When I'm gone, will you still write about me the same?" — sitting here, typing this message to you at nine in the morning. 

For sure, until I draw my last breath.

Because...

There isn't a day that ends when you're not visiting my thoughts.

The thought that keeps me awake at night. 

And the reason I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.

For sure, until the world is out of paper.

I will write till angels are flooded with letters and ask me to stop.

Till heaven became an ocean of my letters. 

Hoping to reach you wherever you are. 

Flying around, knowing in your heart that you were loved by every inch of my being.

For sure, at that moment, I froze in time. 

Because...

That's the only thing you will anchor me, my thoughts of you — your memories.

My longing for you will be ceaseless. Incurable. Haunting. 

For sure, through my words I commit to a pyramid of papers, we will continue to exist."

-Jhunamae Moja (Smnllyl, until when?)

JD: 10.15.23