"Maybe, you do love me.
But words are words and actions are actions.
Because I've experienced and witnessed myself in enough brokenness - I didn't know why I hadn't discovered the difference between those words yet. And with all my heart, I can tell you that maybe you do love me — at some time in your life. Maybe, I became your favorite person once in this lifetime. Maybe, I made you happy in the moments you needed someone to. Maybe, I made you feel loved somehow through words I sent you — which will never be my loss because I have the purest intentions from my most sincere heart.
And in return,
As my reward,
Can I ask you these...
How many times you have made me feel confused?
How many times you have filled my heart with what-ifs and unrequited love?
With sorrow?
How many times I have felt the bitterness?
The emptiness?
The endless void that leads to nowhere?
How many times have I cried?
Enough tears to fill an ocean?
How many?
A million. God, I don't want to count anymore."
—Jhunamae Moja (Smnllyl, enough)
Journal Date: 12.27.19
A letter to a man of the sea.
Forget everything but not your strength and faith to be a seafarer. Pack your achievements or feats and scream it all in the middle of your voyage. Fold every anxiety and pressure growing in your heartbeats —hide it under your family pictures and hugs from your mom. Roll all of your visions of not being befriended by your mates and toss them aside. Load every single edge of you that you believe they would like about you.
Pile your ambitions and dreams aside from being a man of the sea and make sure you have it in. Gear up your anxiety weapons and pressure shields once it comes out when still on board. Tie all strands of your fear and decide if you would bring it in. Bring it all in your luggage of dreams and plans to navigate the story of your life.
Tuck your hopes in every pocket of it to be nurtured by the sea. Bring it all to the sea of reality.
Journal Date: 2019
NB. He made this title.
Dear Love, Have you seen them all? Those wonderful things around your ship, those fishes that turned out to be your TV, and the night sky full of stars that perfectly aligned. You have seen them all, for sure. Because I know you are now living in your dreams through reality. I am happy for you. You deserve to be where you are now, Jap.
Journal Date: December 2019 NB. Envelope 1.
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Dear Love, Even though we ended up waking at different sunrise, I hope God will mean a time for us to meet again. I will never doubt if it's impossible by now. I will continue loving you from afar. Clapping for your success over the ocean. I will be happy sitting here on the shore.
Journal Date: December 2019 NB. Envelope 4.
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Dear Love, It's another day of not finding appropriate words to puzzle and put into an awful story about us. I master this art in the back of my head but still, all I can be able to write is about my foolishness.
Journal Date: December 2019 NB. Envelope 6.
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—Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl, excerpts)
Hi Babe. Let me greet you a happiest birthday to you! So looking 25 years back, you earned what you have now. Love, trust, lessons, and bles...
