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"I was so sure that our home door will close one day

I watched you leave with the key as my access to it

I wish I'm tapping your back when you're drunk by your negativity.

But we all have our own little excuses and our own little unspoken truths

I wished to be the back of your hand when you cry

But I messed up once again. Once more.

You left.

And I should be okay with it, I should let you off

I should stay, and don't chase you anymore.

Letting you sail away hurts, it badly hurts

And I think that the deepest wound that you left me is when I became a poet

Because I wished I found myself first before I found it in your eyes

And I always seek home since I saw a home in you, but home seems so far away now.

Your life seems measured waves, aligned shore, and toned splashes—it is perfectly made

And dewdrops in my hair at night, being jealous with things that make up your day, being blamed, and being lost will be okay. 

I deserve it. 

But please, open the door for me when it's right and when it's not right, it's okay.

One day, that door won't bother me anymore —not even pushing different keys for it because I knew it won't work. 

Someday, when you give that key away and I see it in another warm hand, it will be okay."

—Jhunamae Moja (home,smnllyl)

Journal Date: 

Nothing

 

"You don't have to fight for me— not with the word "anymore" because you never did. You don't have to fight for me— when in the first place your rival was just your ego. You don't have to fight for me because I knew you as someone who feels upset when your friends just tease you. I knew you as someone with a resting love on your hands only for your mom. I knew you as someone with your heart anchored in the ocean. I knew you as someone with superhero-like responsibilities. I knew you as someone who never protects my name. I knew you as someone who made me think that I am not enough. I knew you as someone who comes back without saying "hello" and disappears without saying "goodbye". I knew you as someone with shallow happiness about us. I knew you as cowardly as your weakest bone enveloped by 3 AM's wind blows. 

More of that, you don't have to fight for me, I just wish you know that you are still someone I look up to. You are still my source of silly jokes. You are still someone I highly respect even if you want to feel like a baby boy of your mom forever. You are still the bravest sailor I have ever known. You are still my favorite person who calls my real name. You are still enough in return. You are still the reason for me to leave my shoes on the seaside for you to know where I last stepped while waiting for you. You are still the happiest reason for me to wake up even though we don't see each other in the morning. You are still the best coward man I think of at 3 AM. 

You are still that brand even though I knew you like someone telling himself not to fight anymore when he only risk nothing. "

—Jhunamae Moja (nothing, smnllyl)

Journal Date: 04.09.2021