26th

"It's funny how mornings of this date in December take my first breath.

Funny. In every way of December 26th(s).

I still feel the night when I felt a little lost and no one ran after me. To go back to where I belonged. Not there. Not to every place you have been and will be. To go back to where I am alone with my thoughts of you —a perfect place where you are mine, always mine. 

I still feel the night when I can not make my feet worthy enough to walk on the same ground you walk upon. Nothing I can do would ever make my heart worthy enough to share the love with yours. That night, nothing in my wallet could afford your love.

I still feel the night when I felt walking on a tightrope of being unwanted as I finally walked out. That night, your ghost started to walk up into my sleeves. That night, I realized were not on the same page and had never been in the same book.

I still feel the night when I wanted to go back —even to just look back. Even it will anchor me again to you. Even it will make my feelings swirl again. But I never did. Because I never thought we will end that way —never thought I will see you the last time in that way.

I still feel the night when lights inside the mall were scattered all over my eyes. I stopped them all. I wiped them all. I gathered them all. I saved all the tears for my pillow.

I still feel like that night.

I always will.

It's funny because it is the same as my birthdate.

Or should I say "sad" in every way?

It's sad how nights of this date in December will take my last breath before meeting my 27th."

–Jhunamae Moja, Smnllyl(26th)

Journal Date: 12.26.21

What do I always write about?

"Every word I write is either about you or about us. 
Though it is not my way of hoping or holding on, this is me letting go.
This book is a draft of my happy ending without you.
This is me reminiscing my story, writing about this puppy love from being a kid inside me.
Yes, a puppy love. 
That left a stain on my soul.
And I know that I don't write about the love we shared but about the pain after it. 
From the pain, I sail away but still not getting anywhere. 
And I'm not yet satisfied with the drafts I brought in over the nights about my happy ending.

So I write. 
I always write."

–Jhunamae Moja, Smnllyl(what do I always write about?)
Journal Date: 12.25.21