Regrets at a later date

"As we take different time zone in our lives, I still wonder about things we never had in each other's arms. The curiosity in me that has never been answered when you have a lover. It seemed like we both end the story and I solely lose the war. It seemed like you left me in a hurry or dropped me off in the middle of a busy intersection and sped away.

I still wonder if it is OK to call you after a long time and ask you if we can make it again. If an apology can have you back. Are you gone forever? because all you left me is an ounce of questions.

I still wonder if we can be a good team with the time I should have spent with you. If it will be worthy of loving you every second of my life even if we are missing meaningful conversations. How does it feel to be loved more by you? Because by this moment, I regret the best things I should have seen with you.

I still hope not to regret it a little more when I get old. I still hope not to regret that I should have not left you in the mall, chased you down your street, stood on your gateway, and let people crucify me for driving up your wall. And regret every second I did not make myself enough for you in this lifetime.

I still hope that this love will stay because I believe, this is real."

— Jhunamae Moja (regrets at a later date, smnllyl)
Journal Date: 05.29.23

Tacenda

"Once more, here I am waking up against the nightmares about you. Crawling to find a paper to ink a story down, I could write us one better. Even though we never kissed and told our confusions right in each other's eyes. If it is just about how storms of us collided with us and wavered over us. 

A little more, here I am drowning as I sleep each night in an ocean of regrets— I should've held you tighter. I should've loved you a little more or a little less. I should've kept your baby picture in the box of your memories in me. I should've had strings left with someone I always loved. I should have you— whom I asked from above.

A little more, here I am drafting letters I know that will never be sent. With thousands of future emails that I sent you yesterday and cancelled it right away. With bookmarked lines that I highlighted for you. With lines of the song where I remember you. With crumpled papers I kept in my drawer where I write passages where we went wrong. With all my prose and poems — I let them sail through my hesitations to steam them all to you. I let them be my true blue. I let them growl every night and then. I let them be my good trauma between us even it became louder than my love for you.

And once more, I let myself ache with dreams tonight with wounds that hurts the most."

— Jhunamae Moja (tacenda, smnllyl)

Journal Date: 05.29.23

The Show

"Here I am for the nth time around, sitting in a show where its curtains are already closed.

Here are my fingers as I touch you through images with prose and poems that are no longer part of reality. Asking again if you will be in the picture with me again soon— If you will stay there and won't be cropped out later.

Here I am as I read your last online post, telling the world that no one loves you. Here I am aching for not letting you know all of the love I kept only for you. 

Here I am telling myself that these are the results of what I did and what I said in the past. Filtered memories we once shared become my physical pain. Wishing these are all just memories in the back of my head but instead, they turned into an ocean of regrets. Wishing I will wake up in the morning and you're gone in my head.

Here I am wishing this story will be the last thing I write about you."

—Jhunamae Moja (the show, smnllyl)

Journal Date: 05.08.23