Tacenda V2

 "I had hope that this new day would be the one that would set me free. That I would make it through without having to endure the pain of being chained from the night that I never imagine seeing you the last time. That it would forever separate us.

It took me almost a decade to wish for this day, to end everything I thought that'd be something. That I still read you even though this story bleeds in every chapter. I just re-reading all my letters for you until snail mail no longer exist. That I believe they are better left unsaid.

Whilst, you know that I still loved you secretly, softly, and patiently; and after all that, I allowed you to stop loving me, unfair to miss you, and sacred to forget you. We both know if we look back, everything just hurts. 

Being effortless in making me used to not having you around. When all your absence from my feats and defeats made me realize— it's time for me to finally end our story.

Though, as being effortless, another quilt for a letter will grow tomorrow. I will write again, for sure."

—Jhunamae Moja(smnllyl,tacenda v2)

Journal Date: 07.16.23

I hope it's okay

"It's been a couple of years since the last time we talked.

Would it be OK to admit that I still write about you? Would you feel moved if you read these tattooed letters I inked for you? 

After agreeing to each our own, I hope it's still okay to say Hello. Get to know where have you been these years. 

I hope it's still okay to be someone as your almost-a-friend. Even from the past years, we've been almost-a-lover at night and almost-a-strangers by morning.

I hope it's still okay to miss the hug you gave me after you got me a toy from a claw machine. I still have it. 

I hope it's still valid to have reasons why I run from something I never did. To haunt back the things I left along the way of saving the piece of love I carried for you.

I hope it's still okay to step on your doorway,  say Hi, and I promise to walk-out right away. Even in this letter, I admit I would stand on your doorway under the rain until my shoes filled with water— under the sun until I sweat an ocean.

I hope it's still okay to just say Hi."

—Jhunamae Moja (smnllyl,hi)

Journal Date: 07.13.23

Back to December

"I always wanted to go back from the night I met you on the last days of December, got a chance to hold your hands on January, and each us own by February."

—Jhunamae Moja (smnllyl,back to december)

Journal Date: 07.07.23

Sailor

"Tonight will be the night.

The night when the saddest lines will be written. Because I've been stranded in the middle of the ocean of regrets and don't know how to swim— I'll write this line in my letters for you over and over again. 

I've been trying to survive the nights I kept on measuring different depths of the sea to find where you left the broken piece of me. The piece that makes us...Us. Your love for me. 

When not sure enough where you abandoned it. But one thing is for sure, you could fill it in. Because you've been the sailor of my heart since then and the one that could save me from drowning.  

When not sure if you still have it in. In your heart. Because I still have them– I still remember the best pieces of you that I always treasure. Your memories in me.

But the saddest part of it all, I'm drowning with words for you. I am just a woman with a pen that writes about war in her heart, but not well-equipped to fight the war to win you back."

–Jhunamae Moja (smnllyl, sailor)

Journal Date: 07.05.23