"Before I sleep at night, I roleplay the scene of the moment I see you again. En route to my flight, in a bookstore, or train station between our homes—I imagine you there, in the places where I perfectly film you. They're about crying in front of you, running into your arms, and running away to hide from you—the scene depends on how my day went.
I fall asleep at night hugging my pillow of what-ifs. Thinking of 'What if you were never my favorite almost?', 'What if I don't always have to prove how much you mean to me?', or 'What if it's always been me?'.
I fall asleep at night when my dreams float before me. Because I know that everything would not just be a dream if we chose the next option—choosing each other over and over again.
I fall asleep at night accepting that there are three of us in this relationship: you, me, and my imagination of this relationship.
And I wake up in the morning trying to unlove you, but I don't recognize myself when I try. Because I still recognize the version of myself the last time you held me. It is still me. The person you loved. The person who loves you until her imagination makes her fall asleep."
—Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl,Just sleep!)
Journal Date: 08.23.2023
