Definitive

"As time goes by, the more you teach me your own language, the more I find words that no one could understand the definition of my love for you, not even you."

—Jhunamae Moja (Smnllyl, definitive)

Journal Date: 11.29.23

Thirsty

"I miss you that it feels like I thirst for you. 

So please, don't walk away from me. 

Tell me everything, even if you have to hurt me a little. Because we always have little lies and little unspoken truths. That we have to ache and accept. That we have to play with our thoughts and grow. 

Tell me about the you I love, the one who's brave at night. The one who's weak-hearted during the day. Let yourself run through me. Share with me your happiness and sadness. Because every time you smile and feel sad, I understand more one of the reasons why I was born. I will love you until I run dry."

—Jhunamae Moja (Smnllyl, thirst)

Journal Date: 11.27.2023

Drunk

"I am here sitting and typing all my flooding regrets of forgetting you from the past. But I hope you know my reason, I tried to save myself from drowning in the pain of not being loved back by you, from aching of not having you. 

Here I am filming another scene at the back of my head of being left again by you. How I wish it would not happen. How I wish regretting is enough. How I wish I didn't have to start from zero and prove myself again for another decade. But I don't mind starting over again. 

Here I am reminiscing that I had a couple of strong shots of whiskey yesterday but I only got drunk with your kisses. I was drunk with your laugh and warm hugs as I answered you twice if I wanted more kisses from you. I got drunk with your sincerity. I got drunk with your overflowing love. And I don't mind being drunk every day if it is because of you. 

Here I am hyped-up with the sugar you fed me last night—opening them with regrets of not seeing you today. 

Here I am missing you more. 

Here I am dying dead to go back from the past and make everything in the right place."

—Jhunamae Moja (Smnllyl, drunk)
Journal Date: 11.25.23

Sweetest!

"Oh, how sweet! To receive a cup of my favorite coffee from my lover on the 20th day of November."

—Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl, Sweetest!)

JD: 11.22.23

Always

"And after the long loss, here I am, still loving you more and more. That deep in my heart,  I will no longer ache to love somebody else to forget you. 

Because now and again, I will be remembering every moment that I will be with you.

Because it's always been you. Always."

-Jhunamae Moja (Smnllyl, always)

Journal Date: 11.17.23

This love is ours

"I'm not expecting our relationship to be full of I love yous and I miss you and stories of our frustrations throughout the day. 

I'm not expecting it to be just about how sorry you are for not replying after we fought and how much you wanted to embrace me again.

I'm not expecting it to be just impulsively liking each other's preferences, hobbies, and taste of foods not to cause a fight.

I'm not expecting it to be just about teenage romance, meeting or talking to each other all the time and getting by with trending ways of showing affection. 

I'm not expecting it to be just about us.

I also want it to be about how much we want to seek our happiness, how much we call ourselves a mess but still try to be better each day, and how much criticism we receive but still believe that we can do it.

I also want it to be about the days without pressuring each other where we both want to hang out with friends, rest, and have time for ourselves.

In the long run, I also want it to be about how we forgive each other's faults, how we discover and manage our hidden attitudes, how we accept each other's weaknesses, how we tap each other's back on failing, how we celebrate our little victories, and how we accept our differences.

I also want it to be about the thank yous for how we choose each other over our pride, for how we looked beyond our flaws, and for allowing ourselves to make missteps and mistakes.

I also want it to be about the sorrys for all times we forget we're in love because of busy schedules, anger, or misunderstanding. For all the nights we choose to just hide what we are mad about, and for all the words we express out of anger.

I also want it to be about our growth—as partners, and as ourselves. 

Because today, I don't want to spend another painful day of regret of not keeping you right.

I don't want to write about another painful story of goodbye anymore."

—Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl, This love is ours)

JD. 11.06.23