Let me tell you these...

"It's comforting to know that you safely landed in your mom's hometown. I feel happy whenever you visit her, knowing you spent time with the first woman you ever loved. I feel happy staying in this town keeping one of your dearest promises of going back. I was happy for you without any pinch of hurt.

I was happy... 

Until I saw the sweetest video you could ever leave me in this moment of being away with you.

And let me tell you these...

Let me tell you that I don't miss you even if I really do. 

Let me laugh whenever I tell you to don't go back anymore even if I would die for it in secret. 

Let me tell you how I wait for you here happily even if every hour of thinking you were miles away is like hell. 

Let me show you that distance is nothing in between my longing for your hugs and kisses. 

Let me tell you that it's easy not to see you whenever I want to. It was easy until my first cry tonight. 

So let me tell you all of these... So that it won't hurt that much because I really miss you. I really do. 

I am writing you all of these in between my tears in my pillow. Your video is playing a thousand times now, I paused the video when you were telling me that you're gonna miss me, how you'll stick with me whatever happens, how much you love me, and you were daydreaming about your future with me.

I was happy. And now, I am happier. 

So let me tell you all of these... So that this video is nothing but something to keep till we get old."

-Jhunamae Moja (Smnnlyl, LMTYT)
Journal Date: 02.05.2024

Dreamer!

"Half a year ago, I was a different person.

I would go home late alone and walk on the dark sides of the road. I would rather read books than meet another man to be happy. Seemed to feel hell to think of someone and think of a future with them. I cry whenever I feel down and I have no one to talk to. I work hard till the day ends and no longer feel my arms when I rest. I treat people nicely, hoping they will do the same in return. I act brave whenever I see pictures of us from the past, hoping to have a chance to talk to you again, and wishing to feel numb every moment I remember your face. I'd rather have my notebook to write about our past mistakes and why we failed than start again with someone else. I'd rather hopelessly dream of you than give others the love I always keep for you. I was a selfish dreamer. I was a girl with tons of selfish dreams in her head.

Now, this is me. This is me now. 

Loving the feeling of being taken care of by you. You never let me be alone when I walk in the dark. You make me feel safe as you hold my hand when you bring me home with flowers and chocolates behind your back. Even if you are far away, you keep me safe by reminding me what to do when going home alone. With the best feelings when I hear about your plans and dreams with me. At the end of the day, you were there to ask me to rest with cuddles and kisses as my reward. You were kind enough to show me the love in your version. We fearlessly take pictures wherever we go, hoping we last longer than memories. Here I am, keeping the moments I freely touch your neck and face as I kiss you when you sleep. When someone tells me that we are doing this wrong to love our past love again, I would rather be wrong for the rest of my life. I noticed that I am no longer a selfish dreamer because I dream with you now. I see my future with you as I dream of you even between the blinks of an eye. 

I am no longer a selfish dreamer coz this is about you and me now."

—Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl, dreamer!)

Journal Date: 02.04.2024