08.27.2024

Hi Babe.

Let me greet you a happiest birthday to you!

So looking 25 years back, you earned what you have now. Love, trust, lessons, and blessings — from family, friends, me, and God. Let me tell you that you will always be loved by us, the people who believes in you — your people to lean on, always. Let me tell you that trust is earned when you avoid betraying others, and people may betray you even if you trust them faithfully, and so we trust you in whatever your will in life. Let me tell you that you learned so much now in life, so use it to live in its fullest. May you share it not only to your loved ones but to the people who will need you. Let me tell you that God blessed you to live until today, happily. You did great from the day you were born up until now — to your mom, family, me and to all the people you shared a moment with.

And looking forward,let me tell you that you have so much more to learn in life, so have faith to live in its fullest. You will always have our wisdom to share with you as you sail along your ocean of dreams. Let me tell you that God will always shed all the blessings that you deserve each day of your life. So have faith and keep on living. 

Happiest Birthday, Babe. ❤️

Long live... with me. ❤️

I love you so much. ❤️

To the love of my life

"To the man in front of me, did you know that...

You gave me this calm love through your words of assuring me that whatever happens, you'll stay with me. I don't have to ask, you tell me. I don't have to worry, I know you will not betray me. I don't have to beg for love, you have it with open arms. 

You made me feel this experience of enjoying cloud nine and rock bottom of life with good laughs and hope that everything will be fine. 

You love me with all the cattle behind your back, telling me to share half of it with me. You took care of me with all the aids you have even if you need it too. Let's fix each other. Not with love but with the hope of being together till our hair is gray. 

You put me in a place where if it's not you, I don't want to love anymore. 

So to the man in front of me, to the man I am deeply in love with...

You're the man I always want to end up with."

—Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl, My man)

06.17.24 

25/8

"Don't expect that the right one always come with flowers and Valentine love letters. They won't always come as man in a suit with expensive gifts, or in a date with fireworks show. 

Don't expect that they always have to be the one who drives while you were on the passenger seat, the one who brings you in a beach get-away, or the one whom you wanted to be with in a romantic hotel room. Don't expect that they will come in a perfect night, watching the full moon beside you, on the top of your neighbor's roof. They won't always come along with butterflies in your stomach, racing heartbeats, and blushing cheeks.

Sometimes, the right one comes beside you on your tiring day, and will just understand your stories and roller coaster emotions. Sometimes, they are the ones who listen to how you call yourself ugly every time you feel like saying it and tell you that you're the most beautiful in his eyes. 

Because in my story with him, he came with a smile that validates my dreams even how much they sound impossible. He's the one who tells me he'll save me on a game, watch me play on my own, or shows me how his game works. He's the one who never gets tired of loving me 25/8 in his own timeline. He's the one who loves to film and take pictures of me when I look in the depth of my view. He's the one who never gets annoyed on my almost repeating stories about Taylor Swift and cute pink things under my eyes, who wouldn't mind my bad sides, and the one that I can be myself with.

Don't expect that the right one always come in beautiful places, won't have your ideal characteristics—but the one who will figure everything out with you. Sometimes, they are the ones you never expected to be that important to you, to be the ones you can never imagine to live without."

—Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl, 25/8)

Journal Date: 03.31.24

Forever

"Do you still remember that we hugged before I went home? Before I forgot that the outside world still exists — you revolved around me. After long days of being together, and after long nights when we walked on the pavement. 

Do you still mind the stories I told you? About still thinking and loving you secretly between our fallouts and more. You swore to be fine after I leave. Rained me with sweet kisses and spilled the words "This is the reason why I love your wide forehead, I could always plant here with a lot of kisses!" as I continued to indulge your kisses and lines. 

Do you still smell the coffee you made me in the mornings? Wishing to taste it every day I wake up. To see your smiles and chuckles when you see me beside you. To feel your warm arms that set fire to my coldest bones.

I hope you don't only remember the good ones. 

Also, the moments we unintentionally curse each other for being witty and funny. Resolved fights that served us lessons to make over. The courage to watch horror movies knowing we will end up hiding in a pillow or each other's arms with goosebumps and screams. Our dinners with long talks and lots of my brutally structured jokes for you. Feeling comfortable by saying 'Good night' instead of 'See you, goodbye.".

I hope you remember them too because I believe that those are the best ones. 

I wrote this not to remind you of the moments I am happy with. I wrote this to live in the minds of our great-grandchildren when they can read. 

I hope we exist as long as these words are constructed about us, then our memories will remain, and we will continue to exist, forever."

—Jhunamae Moja (Smnllyl, forever)

Journal Date: 03.10.24

And now...

"Now that I found someone who never makes me question my self-worth. After hoping to find someone who chases my happiness as much as their own. 

After hoping to find someone who supports me in the things I am passionate about. After hoping to find someone who I could laugh with and sit in silence with and share my deepest secrets with. 

After hoping to find someone to be my lover, my partner, and my best friend. After hoping to find someone who would treat me as their equal, who learn and grow with me and beside me.

After hoping to find someone who appreciates all the tiny details that make me who I am. After hoping to find someone who respects my heart, my weakness, and my insecurities.  

Now that I found the man who reminds me that I deserve the love that I give in return,

And now that I am with you,

I will never let you go... again."

—Jhunamae Moja (Smnllyl, And Now)

Journal Date: 03.10.24

Let me tell you these...

"It's comforting to know that you safely landed in your mom's hometown. I feel happy whenever you visit her, knowing you spent time with the first woman you ever loved. I feel happy staying in this town keeping one of your dearest promises of going back. I was happy for you without any pinch of hurt.

I was happy... 

Until I saw the sweetest video you could ever leave me in this moment of being away with you.

And let me tell you these...

Let me tell you that I don't miss you even if I really do. 

Let me laugh whenever I tell you to don't go back anymore even if I would die for it in secret. 

Let me tell you how I wait for you here happily even if every hour of thinking you were miles away is like hell. 

Let me show you that distance is nothing in between my longing for your hugs and kisses. 

Let me tell you that it's easy not to see you whenever I want to. It was easy until my first cry tonight. 

So let me tell you all of these... So that it won't hurt that much because I really miss you. I really do. 

I am writing you all of these in between my tears in my pillow. Your video is playing a thousand times now, I paused the video when you were telling me that you're gonna miss me, how you'll stick with me whatever happens, how much you love me, and you were daydreaming about your future with me.

I was happy. And now, I am happier. 

So let me tell you all of these... So that this video is nothing but something to keep till we get old."

-Jhunamae Moja (Smnnlyl, LMTYT)
Journal Date: 02.05.2024

Dreamer!

"Half a year ago, I was a different person.

I would go home late alone and walk on the dark sides of the road. I would rather read books than meet another man to be happy. Seemed to feel hell to think of someone and think of a future with them. I cry whenever I feel down and I have no one to talk to. I work hard till the day ends and no longer feel my arms when I rest. I treat people nicely, hoping they will do the same in return. I act brave whenever I see pictures of us from the past, hoping to have a chance to talk to you again, and wishing to feel numb every moment I remember your face. I'd rather have my notebook to write about our past mistakes and why we failed than start again with someone else. I'd rather hopelessly dream of you than give others the love I always keep for you. I was a selfish dreamer. I was a girl with tons of selfish dreams in her head.

Now, this is me. This is me now. 

Loving the feeling of being taken care of by you. You never let me be alone when I walk in the dark. You make me feel safe as you hold my hand when you bring me home with flowers and chocolates behind your back. Even if you are far away, you keep me safe by reminding me what to do when going home alone. With the best feelings when I hear about your plans and dreams with me. At the end of the day, you were there to ask me to rest with cuddles and kisses as my reward. You were kind enough to show me the love in your version. We fearlessly take pictures wherever we go, hoping we last longer than memories. Here I am, keeping the moments I freely touch your neck and face as I kiss you when you sleep. When someone tells me that we are doing this wrong to love our past love again, I would rather be wrong for the rest of my life. I noticed that I am no longer a selfish dreamer because I dream with you now. I see my future with you as I dream of you even between the blinks of an eye. 

I am no longer a selfish dreamer coz this is about you and me now."

—Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl, dreamer!)

Journal Date: 02.04.2024

I always do

"Did I just dream of sitting across from you today in a coffee shop and trying to connect the dots after unresolved fights?

Did you just walk me to the bus stop and tell me "It's good to see each other after a fight."? Where I know in myself that it did not change any of my thoughts because I still feel this void in my chest.

Did you just leave me sitting on the bus with a puzzled heart? Coz you rushed to leave and forgot to kiss me or tell me good night or even goodbye. Without knowing, maybe that would be the last time you see me before you leave the town. 

Did I just pray to feel that you still cherish the moments  I am with you? Prayed that you still feel excited to see me. Prayed that I would only and still listen to the moments you consistently say it — that you love me even though you stopped saying it. Yes, I did.

I bet you are still awake thinking about where we went wrong again. Browsing games you could play to forget us somehow. 

I bet I will have to go back to the reason why I made this love to live in reality again. Because you're simply fading the words you used to tell me. And I am the one who only and always restores it. I bet it will take time for me to used to it.

I bet in the end, I will still love you. Because I always do. Always."

—Jhunamae Moja (Smnllyl, I always do)

Journal Date: 01.29.24

Next to you

"How I wish I wake up next to you today, 'coz I love the thought of waking up and I can feel your arms around me. Those little kisses over my body. Tickles when you touch me. And missing you when I remember how you made love with me."

—Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl, next to you)
Journal Date: 01.05.2023

Fragile

"I no longer want to be called your ex-girlfriend, your past woman, potentially interesting, also potentially uninteresting. Now, I was a girl who had been permanently cherished and damaged by life. I want to be someone to be handled carefully only by you."

–Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl, Only by you)

Journal Date: 12.30.23 

Can you go wherever I go?

"Today, I woke up at 2 AM, pushed to sleep again, and wished that you were here to hold me."

—Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl, can you go wherever I go?)
Journal Date: 12.27.2023

First Christmas!

"We both know that Christmas this year is way more different from what we have experienced before. We long that it's not about having hugs and kisses from our families. Not about taking pictures of your lovely mom as she poses for memories. Not about my sleeping habit under the warm Christmas tree. 

Because it's about cuddling around, watching a movie, watching me play with the game you used to explore. It's about wishing for time to stop as we realize that we will be spending the next Christmas with each other's warmth. It's about wrapping each other with our warm hugs and feeling our arms because that's exactly where we belong."

—Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl, First Christmas!)

Journal Date: 12.25.2023

Under the same sheet

"How I wish I always sit with you as I forget the outside world still goes round. Get crazy with you even if we're just in the four-cornered room. Chuckle with our jokes through our dirty language. Do my work as you play behind me. Sing at the top of our lungs while dancing until our body needs to cling to each other. 

How I wish we always cuddle under the same sheet, loving each other's heartbeat, and hearing your voice as you say you love me."

—Jhunamae Moja (Smnllyl, under the same sheet)
Journal Date: 12.20.2023

Princess

"I will always miss your hug when I get your home from work. Your warm hands that always want to intertwine mine. The wrap of your arms all the way around my shoulders, press your face into my hair while my body curves over yours. Your arms became a set of parentheses bracing the sweetest and dirtiest phrase I could ever tell. Your care makes me shiver as you lay me on your bed, caressing all my worries and sadness in this world. Where it feels like we are disappearing from this world as you carry me like a princess you could ever hold."

—Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl, Princess)
Journal Date: 12.20.2023

You

"You know what my thoughts are at this very moment? I share this love with three people— my best friend, my soulmate, and my future husband. It's funny 'coz they're all you."

—Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl, you)
Journal Date: 12.19.23 '5:45 AM'

Coffee

"I know that coffee is all well but I look forward to having kisses from your lips every morning." (12.04.23)

(This entry came true!)

—Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl, coffee)

Journal Date: 12.16.23

WFH hugs

"Even if we are underneath the same blanket, cuddling while I brush your soft hair— I still miss you in a quite desperate way."

—Jhunamae Moja (Smnllyl,WFH hugs)

Journal Date: 12.15.23

Bbtm!

From
"Seems I must always write you letters that I can never send".

To
 "I could kiss you whenever I can".

—Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl,bbtm 🎓)
Journal Date: 12.12.2023

All of me

"Please be clingy with me. Get worried if I don't text you back in 10 minutes. Just send me a message whenever you miss me and can't hold it anymore. Better hold my hand tight and kiss me whenever you want, wherever we go. Tell me you miss me and you love me all the time. But also, I want you to trust me. Because if I am dating you, that means I bet everything on you. As I mean it, as I long to be with you again, I will keep on finding you from crowds of nobody because I am all yours. You are mine. End of story. "

-Jhunamae Moja (Smnllyl, all of me)

Journal Date: 12.06.2023

Hope

"I've been in cloudy thoughts seven days straight now and you are my sun— even if it's 6 PM."

—Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl, Sunshine)
Journal Date: 12.04.23