Is it a happy place to be?

"I understand that you were done
In all of these dramas,
Like what I always catalyze you
From that day you admitted that
There are colder shoulders than I used to feel on
I understand
If I have your eyes
I will do the same
I will consistently tell this person, I'm done

I will be there too
Speak without thinking twice
Consider what I feel is always valid
Inhale this own breath again
To tell our story without crying
Have a coffee without seeing you stirring around
Unintentionally forget the headdress you put on me
And not wanting everything to be written

I will be there too."

–Jhunamae Moja (Is it a happy place to be?, smnllyl)

Journal Date: 02.24.2021

All my fault

 

"Maybe, my fault as I laid my happiness on your hands. It was my fault to let half of my mornings be wasted by thinking of you. It was my fault that I still read you while you were the naked book behind the vintage shelf in my gigantic library. It was my fault when I still opened the door while you brought your suitcase of insecurities. It was my fault for having sleepless nights writing about you until my morning alarm clock rang. It was my fault when I said another hello while you were treating me as a broken bone that years to heal. It was my fault for saying goodbye when I know that I never leave. It was my fault that I don't know how to leave. It was all my fault."

 —Jhunamae Moja (all my fault, smnllyl)

Journal Date: 02.14.2021

Less than what I used to

"If I could just love you less, I would."

—Jhunamae Moja(smnllyl,less)

Journal Date: 04.18.20

Boundaries

 

"I want to define how I moved on, the way I stopped waiting for your calls, the way I passed on an empty grocery aisle to buy my favorite perfume and don't want it anymore, the way I looked at the moon without waiting for it to be whole again, the way I dreamed of the sun as if it was a guide back from the depth of despair you caused me, the way I put back the broken heart like lego parts I fell clumsily, the way I muted you in real life and called boundaries, the way I deleted the photos I once pasted in an album I gave you— deleted up to the backup files I kept until I shivered from the coldest kiss-off you showed me and the way I rushed in a castle to dance with another man without leaning from my balcony of realization to your shallow and damp lake of fondness."

—Jhunamae Moja (boundaries, smnllyl)

Journal Date: 03.20.2020

I stayed

"I stayed for days giving this love reasons to stay. I stayed for weeks realizing what I did wrong why you left it. I stayed for months to accept that it was all my fault. I stayed for half-year assuming that you will come back. I stayed for a year longing for justice why this love ended easily. I stayed for a couple of years and still waiting for you. When I stayed a little longer, I realized that maybe this love was just a piece of baggage that hasn't been claimed by someone who's not coming back. Maybe, he no longer needs it. Maybe, he thinks that it was rotten over time. Maybe, he thinks that it was claimed by others. I kept it to myself before knowing that it was just garbage for you. "

—Jhunamae Moja (I stayed,smnllyl)

Journal Date: 02.26.2020

Happiness

"With the gaps in our conversation, you chose to forget me while I was still longing for you to miss me. For you, it was easier to just move on like you never met me than to cross my life again. For you, it will always be.

With the gaps, I was running around the circle —far from the radius of probability that you will long for me too. Running around wishing for you to catch me first. I got tired somehow. Also, from thereon, I just concluded that my absence was not your thing. For you, it will never be. 

Still, your happiness is my thing and will ever be. Even without me. Your smile shines up to where I sit now. Whilst maybe, my happiness will never be someone's thing too and will never be yours —that all about me is fated to be brewed and served only just for me.

For now, please allow me to sit here, from where I have the perfect view of you, from where I decided to pause, and from where I will be starting to let go.

From the gaps, I'm counting the blessings in between."

—Jhunamae Moja (happiness, Smnllyl) 

Journal Date: 01.20.20

It will take me a jar of courage

"The next moment I will be sitting against you over a coffee or other wonderful things, I wish it is not an episode of our denouement or just a memory to be kept — I want it to be part of our tomorrow and always."

—Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl, Jar)
Journal Date: 2019 
NB. Note 3 

Enough

"Maybe, you do love me. 

But words are words and actions are actions. 

Because I've experienced and witnessed myself in enough brokenness - I didn't know why I hadn't discovered the difference between those words yet. And with all my heart, I can tell you that maybe you do love me — at some time in your life. Maybe, I became your favorite person once in this lifetime. Maybe, I made you happy in the moments you needed someone to. Maybe, I made you feel loved somehow through words I sent you — which will never be my loss because I have the purest intentions from my most sincere heart. 

And in return,

As my reward, 

Can I ask you these...

How many times you have made me feel confused?

How many times you have filled my heart with what-ifs and unrequited love?

With sorrow?

How many times I have felt the bitterness?

The emptiness?

The endless void that leads to nowhere?

How many times have I cried?

Enough tears to fill an ocean?

How many? 

A million. God, I don't want to count anymore."

—Jhunamae Moja (Smnllyl, enough)

Journal Date: 12.27.19

Bring It To The Sea!

A letter to a man of the sea.

Forget everything but not your strength and faith to be a seafarer. Pack your achievements or feats and scream it all in the middle of your voyage. Fold every anxiety and pressure growing in your heartbeats —hide it under your family pictures and hugs from your mom. Roll all of your visions of not being befriended by your mates and toss them aside. Load every single edge of you that you believe they would like about you.

Pile your ambitions and dreams aside from being a man of the sea and make sure you have it in. Gear up your anxiety weapons and pressure shields once it comes out when still on board. Tie all strands of your fear and decide if you would bring it in. Bring it all in your luggage of dreams and plans to navigate the story of your life.

Tuck your hopes in every pocket of it to be nurtured by the sea. Bring it all to the sea of reality.

Journal Date: 2019

NB. He made this title.

Excerpts from enveloped letters…

Dear Love, Have you seen them all? Those wonderful things around your ship, those fishes that turned out to be your TV, and the night sky full of stars that perfectly aligned. You have seen them all, for sure. Because I know you are now living in your dreams through reality. I am happy for you. You deserve to be where you are now, Jap. 

Journal Date: December 2019 NB. Envelope 1. 

════ ⋆★⋆ ════ 

Dear Love, Even though we ended up waking at different sunrise, I hope God will mean a time for us to meet again. I will never doubt if it's impossible by now. I will continue loving you from afar. Clapping for your success over the ocean. I will be happy sitting here on the shore. 

Journal Date: December 2019 NB. Envelope 4. 

════ ⋆★⋆ ════ 

Dear Love, It's another day of not finding appropriate words to puzzle and put into an awful story about us. I master this art in the back of my head but still, all I can be able to write is about my foolishness.

Journal Date: December 2019 NB. Envelope 6. 

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

—Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl, excerpts)

Imagination

 

"How I remember the day you lent me your favorite jacket and you took me a photo while I was hiding in it, to sniff it — it breathes like you. I had it in my skinny body until we called it a day. At the same moment, I was afraid to let it go and return it to you because of the warmth that felt like home. 

It happened. You brought it with you when you left. My heart. I left it underneath the sleeves that melted me up to roads walking home.

Until it became just an imagination of home. It all became stand-alone. But way different from what I felt that day.

The door became locked with my keys, making me stand in the rain for hours. The ceiling that I looked up to became a battleground of my overthinking.  The floor when I walk felt like walking on a tightrope of being unwanted. The kitchen never served me freshly baked plans and brewed hopes for us. The window darkened with hesitation to clear the feelings between us. The roof that never protected my name towards the storm which you also navigated.

From your favorite jacket, I just imagine that I became your favorite too somehow.

Again, this home —was just an imagination.

That maybe in my imagination, we can still make it."

—Jhunamae Moja (imagination,Smnllyl)

Journal Date: 11.02.2019

Forced

"There were days I forced myself to write over the sentiments I once confessed, about the same rain I heard before, touching a twinge I once devoted to lyrics you poorly vocalize, subjecting the feeling when you carried me on your back under the same ceiling, the last phone call you hang up that left my eyes as soggy as a windshield glows and about how your eyes become galaxies I get lost in. I forced myself to narrate an unnecessary fiction when I wished to have a coffee on the window instead. To write something vague and uncertain future when I missed the window to watch the bluest sky. I forced a pen to give me better shades of our downcast-weaved story. I forced myself to scribble—all because you ran away without pulling one on the shelf of stories, I made for you. You handed me a pen instead of an umbrella under the unstoppable downpour. You let me hear the bridge alone that made me feel a little lost. You let me see the fate resting on your back that I once wished to be you. You hang the phone over a leading-off conversation when still giggling over a wine. And to write because I found my favorite constellation in your glimmering eyes of hope. It was all forced because I thought you were forcing it too—for us to be fated to each other. All the bluest skies just faded as fast as my coffee's meringue. All sheets wasted and inked by traceable erasures of the undesigned story of us. And all the things coming from force never been succeeded."

—Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl, Forced)

Journal Date: 9.02.2019 
NB. Awarded with most exaggerated wordings.20th entry. Violet Journal. 

Japjap

"I wrote your name on the seaside until little waves reached it unto the shore and kissed every sand they can touch. I hope it also reached this love like sand on my feet. I hope they are gone.

I hope everything is just that simple."

—Jhunamae Moja (japjap, smnllyl)

Journal Date: 04.16.19 

Red

"The first time we met, we unexpectedly both wore red and I can’t remember the rest of the details because I never thought you would become an important person to me."

—Jhunamae Moja (red, smnllyl)

Journal Date: 11.17.2018

Little Fish

"Your words became my endless sea. I was running against the waves of jealousy with the places and things that life could offer you. Without me. I felt jealous during our bus trip last week when you told me that you'll be overseas in no time. When I only had myself and nothing more to offer but myself. 

Counting what IFs and asking who am I to stand in your way? While was spelling your name between my heartbeats. That exact time and feeling.

And this slowly filming in my head —"I wish I could be the best version of myself too soon."

So that you can just carry me around without hesitation that I could cause you any burden. To be that someone in your passenger seat. If not and if that day comes, I'll just wish to be a little fish around your ship or a mermaid. Perfect. 

But seriously, I wish there'll be a better life awaiting me too so that I could make you proud of me to introduce me to the world. Would an Accountant make your plans undone? It's been just my thoughts from midnights. Surely, this note will make me cry someday when I can able to be one. I think this will serve as a letter for myself too. Should I believe that these plans can get me near you? If not, I should think of plan B, C, or up to Z. Well, we're still teenagers. Haha. Life is easy, I guess? Chill. Be crazy. End."

—Jhunamae Moja (smnllyl, little fish)

Journal Date: 08.09.2017