Smnllyl

"Once again, I'm on the shore and watch as the water hugs the sand over and over again. I thought I heard you call my name, but it was the ocean breeze telling me you gave up being a sailor and I am just a broken sea shell here on the shore.

I'm seeing the waves shaped like my tears at night. The last time of night I will sit here quietly with flooded cheeks as I listen to the sound of waves, waves of hurt.

To see an ocean makes me feel flooded with words to write about later at night. Because to see an ocean reminds me of you. It reminds me of how perfect waves should be if we ever loved harder—tried harder.

Once more, I'm on the shore and drowning a bottle full of letters. Sorry, nature! I will let them sail beyond the horizon of love you never want to see. But I became a poet who writes everything she feels. I became a writer who has to let everything go—even this little hope that sits with me now on the shore. Let them be a food with the little fish. What!? Sorry, nature! 'Cause they belong to the sea—never in reality.

One last little more, everything should be written no more."

–Jhunamae Moja (Smnllyl, Once More No More)
Journal Date: 08.28.23

That's not how it works

"I've been waiting for this day, for another dramatic poem to write and I know that's how you'll see this. Dramatic. It's been my tradition every year. But I ended up airheaded these days. And I know it sounds stupid, but I do— I don't feel sorry for doing this. 

For this year, maybe I will just have an earworm discussion. Have you heard Charlie Puth's song about how unsure people should know about love? And I've been listening to it for months, the "That's Not How It Works".

For years, I'd never imagined that that's how you see love works. You could hurt someone to get someone then if they hurt you, you'll come back to someone you hurt as if nothing happened. But that's not how it works.

For years, I've been waiting to hear your apology and ask me if we can make it again. Then you came back with your fleet of lovely storms for me. You were prepared with your bombarding stories. Knowing "SHE hurt you when you hurt me, and you came back the time I already have someone I was sailing with for months". I always knew that it would hurt if you mess with me again. I knew I would never let you ruin me again. But you made it the other way around. You ruined me through your words to him. You ruined me by describing how I've been crazy about you for the past years. You ruined me believing that you will never ruin me the same trick around. You made it. 

For years, we both know that we wrecked each other. Because the way you see love works is tragic. You never loved me. And you probably know your lesson now. That's not how it works."

–Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl, TNHIW)

Journal Date: 08.27.23 HBD 

Just letters

 "I will no longer dig the letters I buried in between my heartaches and high-hopes of being with you again. I know that they already mourn and give justice for all the tears I shed while I was writing them about you. I wish the words also gone in my head as the inks of my journal fades. 

I will no longer haunt my letters I wrote only for you that meant to be unsent in counting of years. I know you'll never need to read them. Let me just keep it for you until they turn into dust as I keep them in my drawer.

I will no longer put them in this book of my love, regrets, longing, and faith for you. 

Because they are all meant to be just letters."

—Jhunamae Moja(smnllyl, just letters)

Journal Date: 08.24.23

Just sleep!

"Before I sleep at night, I roleplay the scene of the moment I see you again. En route to my flight, in a bookstore, or train station between our homes—I imagine you there, in the places where I perfectly film you. They're about crying in front of you, running into your arms, and running away to hide from you—the scene depends on how my day went. 

I fall asleep at night hugging my pillow of what-ifs. Thinking of 'What if you were never my favorite almost?', 'What if I don't always have to prove how much you mean to me?', or 'What if it's always been me?'.

I fall asleep at night when my dreams float before me. Because I know that everything would not just be a dream if we chose the next option—choosing each other over and over again. 

I fall asleep at night accepting that there are three of us in this relationship: you, me, and my imagination of this relationship.

And I wake up in the morning trying to unlove you, but I don't recognize myself when I try. Because I still recognize the version of myself the last time you held me. It is still me. The person you loved. The person who loves you until her imagination makes her fall asleep."

—Jhunamae Moja(Smnllyl,Just sleep!)

Journal Date: 08.23.2023

Back in time

"If I could go back in time, I would just love you a little less for the flaws I see in you. I wish I loved you a pinch when you loved me so much. I wish it's not too late to unlove you for hurting me effortlessly which hurts so much invisibly."

–Jhunamae Moja(smnllyl,back in time)

Journal Date: August 1, 2023